You Are Hereby Directed to Smile More

Trump Declares All American Citizens Female

When I’m president someday, I am going to declare that everyone’s left foot is size 11 and everyone’s right foot is size 3, as God intended, and only shoes with these dimensions will be sold in the United States.

Why not? The logic for my decree would be as sound as Trump’s reasoning behind his declaration that there are only two sexes. I mean, you can declare it all you want, T-bone, but that don’t make it true in the real world.

As was demonstrated, beautifully and unironically, by his very document: Males and females, says the Executive Order, will be designated by their biological roles in offspring reproduction as determined “at conception.” The thing is, all human embryos are female at conception, technically speaking. Male sexual characteristics, i.e. the gonads, don’t develop until about six to eight weeks of gestation.

Assigning our sex according to the presence or absence of gonads at conception means he’s just decreed that every American citizen is female.

I assume there will come a day in the not-too-distant future when he will re-declare that sex is designated at birth, and I propose that when he does he also throw out the line “‘Sex’ shall refer to an individual’s immutable biological classification.” That’s because, with this Executive Order and the upcoming one to correct it, he will have un-immutable-ized the sex designation of half of America (the more transphobic half, mind you) twice, with the stroke of his Sharpie.

In the meantime, as all Americans are now women, to those who until yesterday identified as “men,” I would like to welcome you to womanhood.

You are hereby directed to smile more, and to go make each other sandwiches (since there are no men around to go make sandwiches for). If you’re taking pain medication for anything, throw it out. Your doctor would not have prescribed that to you if they knew you were a woman. You’ll also be receiving a message soon from your employer letting you know that your pay has been cut 24 percent.

There will be a lot of changes, actually, but at least we can all join together now to celebrate that we the people of the United States of America have finally elected our first female President: Donald J. Trump.

Photo by John Cameron